I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
