There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
