last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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