Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
