I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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