I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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