i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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