I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
