Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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