I want to stick my p in your. b.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
