Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
