I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
