when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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