you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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