I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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