im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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