good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
