Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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