After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
