Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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