her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Randomize
