exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
