Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
