Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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