cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
