so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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