Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
