he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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