dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
