My hand turned me down
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize