I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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