My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize