I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
