I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
