I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
