it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
