Umm I'm too high to move.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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