My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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