Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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