Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
