Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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