While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
