then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
