I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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