I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
