He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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