i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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