i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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