at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
