I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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