Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
