I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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