I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
