My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
